一个人不管多优秀，毕竟是一个人

一个人的力量是有限的

萤虫之光，如何与日月争辉

I exhaust my last bit of energy in other aspects of life, in order not to spare any energy to miss you.

However, due to some miscalculation, I always squeezed more last bit of energy to miss you, then fall asleep.

Attn

Work life survival 101:

- Cut away 'maybe', 'should be', 'i think', even if you are not sure.

- The only keywords are 'yes', 'no'

- Never claim ownership of mistakes (in work).

- While being an asshole will make you better off in workplace, being a nice person will make you pushed around, there's still some reason not to go for the 1st. Life isn't all about work anyway.
Be yourself. Be nice and draw a line. Bite back right in the neck when others stomp over.

I miss you. For no good reasons. For no obvious reasons.

为什么

Milestone

Swam 600 meter today.

I might have posted this before.

But I love this song, without knowing the meaning.

Dear blog, here i am, whenever attempting to be philosophical, or just 'haywire'. Found the equivalence?

God laughs at the 'thoughtful' mankind. Well, well, well, according to Descarte's 'I think, therefore I am', if I cease thinking, hmmmm, what/who am I then?

Who are you? Where are you from? Where are you going to?

The 3 ultimate philosophical questions which the more you think about them, the less you are certain.
Though it might be a daily routine for a security guard @ any main entrance to question the trespassers.

Having gone through a not-very-interesting-and-not-worths-replicating adolescence, accompanied with the so-called 'identity crisis', I ought to have become more certain about the 'who, where and where'.
But this argument is invalid on the basis of David Hume's 'is-ought' theory, to reach a prescriptive conclusion from a descriptive premise.
So, despite having my set of crappy-but-indeed-thoughtful answers to 'who where and where', I think, (yes again), I know the 1st two better than the 3rd question.
Where am I going to, and how far am I going to? It is not what I can control.
Maybe I can, but there's at least one missing piece in the puzzel called 'courage'.

So, appending this to my checklist of '5C's.

Good night world!

Mid year resolutions

time flies.

re-evaluating resolutions, and revamping.

－ 锻炼
黑白颠倒的颓废学生时代已经过去。再没有借口不锻炼。

－ 工作
minimal expectation: 混口饭吃，攒钱养老。既来之则安之。
力所能及，必当全力以赴。其他的就抱歉了，我只是人，不是超人。
long term goal: 世界一番の网络工程师 （为什么我想起了日本动漫里的白痴们。。。）
努力工作。但是不越界。


－ 生活
吃好喝好。自我调节。拥抱自然。




－读书
黑白颠倒的颓废学生时代已经过去。再没有借口不读书。
讽刺的是，在NUS的日子，是读课外书最少的一段。再不读就真的脑残了。

－社交
不必强迫自己。顺其自然。
不爱去就不去。爷不做sales

－理想
支撑自己十年的理想，不会被现实琐事所覆盖。对此我很有信心。
希望它能在余生继续点亮黑夜。
INFJ是永远都不毕业的青年。
You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

－家
此心安处是吾乡

很多东西我以为永远不会忘记
其实不知不觉间已经淡忘了
你也是吗
感激你还记得一些无聊的事
比如往你门口鞋子里扔了很多纸条
我却怎么也想不起来上面写了什么
一个眼神
一切尽在不言中
何须煞风景地问
你还爱着我吗
不能再见
也不指望余下的时间冲淡记忆
就这样吧

两年不见后
你终于在醉酒的夜想起

曾用每个femtosecond爱过
在某些femtoseconds中被爱过
再无所求

Moments of Loneliness

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” ------George Orson Welles

Here I am, embarking a journey, alone.

I was having dinner @ a foodcourt, alone as always. There came a gang of noisy students whose school name shall not be mentioned.
While devouring on my meal, it troubled me: why do they have to sit together in such a crowded place?
Or to put it straight, it always makes me wonder why people must be in a big group, compromising personal freedom and will.

Finally I have reached the stage when I can say no to others' way of life. i.e. I have tried hard to be 'normal' previously. Painful adolescence, not the nicest part in life.
I am now in the mood to say, it is optional to adjust oneself to 'mediocrity', which is normally referred to as 'normal'.

The older you get, the more stubborn you are?
Can't tell.
But as long as one is fine with the current state of mind.
Just be it.

So,
NUS is a place for loners.
If you are a loner, come to NUS.
If you are not a loner, NUS is likely to make you one.

I call it 'independent' and 'free soul' though.

putting little faith in the future, especially when it concerns money or love.

such that you won't be disappointed after all

要不要小孩？

如果我有，一定让他/她快乐，不攀比，顺其自然。想长成参天大树，还是灌木丛，随他/她所愿。虽然，也许会造成长大后的后悔。大人的干涉，到底如何拿捏，不清楚。
如果我有，会从《诗经》里取个名，从《庄子》里取个字。字报户口，名留着给我叫。
如果我有，不会将布道者拒之门外。但是会对他/她说，孩子，所谓真理，不过是大人的呻吟。
如果我有，希望他/她是个外向的孩子。如果不是也无妨。内向不是罪过。不喜欢汹涌人潮是天性，无需刻意迎合这个外向的世界。多年后意识到这点的时候，有种泪流满面的冲动。
如果我有，希望他/她有个好爸爸。没有也无妨。我也可以把你扛在肩膀，撑起一个世界。母爱过于沉溺，不理智。

现在的我，不是妈妈的样子。也没有发现好爸爸人选。
小孩的模仿力很强。不想他模仿到悲伤。
再给我点时间。
我会变好的。

What a Feeling

First when there's nothing
But a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide
Deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried
Silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel
Made of stone
Well, I hear the music
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a holdOf my heart
What a feeling
Bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive
You can dance right through your life
Now I hear the music
Close my eyes, I am rhythm
In a flash it takes hold
Of my heart
What a feeling
Bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive,
Now I'm dancing through my life
What a feeling
What a feeling (I am music now)
Bein's believin' (I am rhythm now)
Pictures come alive,
You can dance right through your life
What a feeling (you can really have it al)
What a feeling (pictures come alive when I call)
I can have it

I don't know how many times will I be stumbled on this question.
Not only it killed me, it didn't make me stronger.
And how many times more will I learn my lesson.
'Are u going to take up citizenship?'

Initially a firm 'no'.
Now a 'not sure but have taken in consideration'.

Just a frank idiot, still.

Lying, is it the 1st lesson?

当爱已成往事

oh gosh. my mind is in a chaos again.
should refrain from reflections of life after 10pm.

it was just an interview. the first one.
followed by a talk of being a CAD design engineer, followed by a talk by MOE of being a teacher, followed by an fyp meeting, followed by a talk of a power company.

invoked my thoughts. and soon it went uncontrollably chaotic.

what i want in life.
i was too young to be sure then. i am too old to be uncertain now.
i keep those dreams, i always will. but i live in the reality. what Sheldon would tell Leonard: weltschmerz

destiny, please pick one for me.
whatever it is, if i am the one doing it, im gonna do it right.

阿门阿前一棵葡萄树
阿嫩阿嫩绿地刚发芽
我就背着那重重的壳呀
一步一步地往上爬

March

what is means to me:

my 1st round of application has already expired. no interview.

i know i tend to doubt whether i am good enough. then feel jealous about ppl who are worse than me but better off than me. like in 2006 ICA suddenly granted PR in mass, to secondary & primary school kids. I just graduated. Took me years to forgive myself, with the help of Karate in some extent.

this time i don't wanna feel that way. it's not my fault. it's 70% luck. i don't lose out that 30% either. it's their loss.

hang on please. if God closes those doors, it means he has planned something else. where i don't know.

what else it means to me:
i have done whatever i could for fyp. i started from "hello world" to program those things. no one appreciate though. i have learnt a lot but no one cares though. so, just wrap it up. in conclusion it is a good learning experience, contributed nothing to mankind (or my boss) though.

nid to pay rental again. the highest expense for me.

my facebook ban is auto lifted. i din't break my promise. although once under very unusual situation i sent a msg out of goodwill to a person.
when i re-log in, it feels good. i don't have to keep updated with ppl's bubble tea, chit-chat. do i?

and i start to feel lighter, without those handkerchieves.

in my dreams i was a 女侠, in recent years it became a 女侠cum怨妇, now 女侠 has returned, no longer a free soul though, in a journey of job hunting.

won't let this kill me..
the feeling of good-for-nothing.
like in early 2009.

i endured all these for 10+ years
just to see dawn light breaking through the darkness
hang on

In memory of the Last Battle of the Song Dynasty

《二月六日，海上大战，国事不济，孤臣天祥，坐北舟中，向南恸哭，为之诗》

长平一坑四十万，秦人欢欣赵人怨。
大风扬沙水不流，为楚者乐为汉愁。
兵家胜负常不一，纷纷干戈何时毕。
必有天吏将明威，不嗜杀人能一之。
我生之初尚无疚，我生之后遭阳九。
厥角稽首并二州，正气扫地山河羞。
身为大臣义当死，城下师盟愧牛耳。
间关归国洗日光，白麻重宣不敢当。
出师三年劳且苦，只尺长安不得睹。
非无虓虎士如林，一日不戈为人擒。
楼船千艘下天角，两雄相遭争奋搏。
古来何代无战争，未有锋蝟交沧溟。
游兵日来复日往，相持一月为鹬蚌。
南人志欲扶崑崙，北人气欲黄河吞。
一朝天昏风雨恶，炮火雷飞箭星落。
谁雌谁雄顷刻分，流尸漂血洋水浑。
昨朝南船满崖海，今朝只有北船在。
昨夜两边桴鼓鸣，今朝船船鼾睡声。
北兵去家八千里，椎牛酾酒人人喜。
惟有孤臣雨泪垂，冥冥不敢向人啼。
六龙杳霭知何处，大海茫茫隔烟雾。
我欲借剑斩佞臣，黄金横带为何人。

感动了

偶然在围脖看到的，我也快哭了


走吧 走吧 人总要学着自己长大
走吧 走吧 人生难免经历苦痛挣扎
走吧 走吧 为自己的心找一个家
也曾伤心流泪
也曾黯然心碎
这是爱的代价

a friend said, you never changed.
yea.
a bit maybe.

every time when catching some illness, i'm still quite pessimistic. planning after-life matters. i remember clearly, it happened in early 2004. the naive, weak, pale, lonely and heavily-loaded me fell sick. i sent a very pessimistic message to a boy, a former classmate, saying something like 'if i die, i wonder how the coffin will be sent back to hometown'. he was quite concerned, asked me out, treated a meal @KFC. Maybe he has forgotten, but I will remember it for life.
where was i? o.. i fell sick at the rate of once per year. rare. but whenever it strikes i was always mentally defeated on top of being physically defeated. Sometimes there were people @ my bedside. Most of the time there wasn't.
The rate of sickness has gone up significantly in just these two years. and that pessimism plus that tragedy, increased that feeling exponentially.

every time after I recover, will kinda turn over a new leaf. though if u turn the same leaf twice it will be the same (joke).

so, after 3 days in hell, I think I was a bit enlightened. I decided to throw away something totally.
i hope this time the determination comes real.

nice panorama
http://www.stack.sk/miso/grafika/panorama_small.jpg

我一下低我一下高，摇摇晃晃不肯到
>

that's not the shape of my heart

整理简历

也重温走过的路

和这个世界对我最初的期待

和我对这个世界最初的期待

let me record down so that i wont think twice

why am i dropping MT4003:

- time: i cant wake up. 9am traffic jam. breakfast. healthy bowel movement. thursday 6 to 9pm lecture and no webcast.

- interest: i've downloaded everything from the workbin. interest should indicate self-study(which i don't think so. i would rather squeeze time to go trekking or play guitar). there's no need to take it as a module.

oso, NUS has killed my passion in some way, such as taking up challenging modules. NUS ppl usually avoid things they don't know well, and go for what they are already good at.

Succumbing to the NUS way.

and im fired up to fix a bug tonight. which shud have been done long ago.

loved this song since young. still rmb it was in the same tape with 'boom boom boom boom'. din't catch most of the lyrics. and din't know it's Indian

:)

i swore not to log on fb to check his account again.

but i still do, sometimes. like just now.

i swore not to add him back.

kept this one. but his photo setting is public.

why am i still doing this? i don't know. a habit? or to test for my tolerance for pain?

perhaps both.

and according to the latest response, either it inflicts pain no more, or I feel numb now.

or perhaps like two months ago, the response will be delayed:

numb, it's alright, numb, it's alright... and a few days later at one instance, the defense suddenly crumbled.

not a severe one though, just sent a few SMSs

my world 1st crumbled in front of a screen, on his fb page, over a photo.

now she is 2 years old. doesn't look like him (at all), except for complexion.

and i'm 2 years older. broken and intact. weak and strong. single, and single. spending days wondering if he misses me. if there's a chance to see each other again. if we meet how should i react and how will i actually react.

and he is 2 years older. doesn't like taking photographs still. doesn't smile at the camera (something that fascinates me). and the rest i don't know.

i must be sleeping.

or insane.

i wanna send him 'she doesn't look like you. are you sure that's yours?'

or 'she's lovely. wish you happy new year.'

how many split characters have i developed?

it's not that i'm not willing to change my mind and move on.

it's...

hard to say.

I don't rely on external mental ecstasy. be it a man or a deity, or a relationship, or something physical (money, work, alcohol).

i choose a quiet place, reflect and repent.

it got worse yeah.

occasionally.

so what's my point?

hmmm.

wanted to trigger some tears while typing but they didn't stream down.

and i swear not log on for at least two months.

unless if there's a dire need to, such as in life threatening situations and other unforeseen circumstances.

compulsion, i know. with an exclusion term hopefully it sounds less sick.