i swore not to log on fb to check his account again.

but i still do, sometimes. like just now.

i swore not to add him back.

kept this one. but his photo setting is public.

why am i still doing this? i don't know. a habit? or to test for my tolerance for pain?

perhaps both.

and according to the latest response, either it inflicts pain no more, or I feel numb now.

or perhaps like two months ago, the response will be delayed:

numb, it's alright, numb, it's alright... and a few days later at one instance, the defense suddenly crumbled.

not a severe one though, just sent a few SMSs

my world 1st crumbled in front of a screen, on his fb page, over a photo.

now she is 2 years old. doesn't look like him (at all), except for complexion.

and i'm 2 years older. broken and intact. weak and strong. single, and single. spending days wondering if he misses me. if there's a chance to see each other again. if we meet how should i react and how will i actually react.

and he is 2 years older. doesn't like taking photographs still. doesn't smile at the camera (something that fascinates me). and the rest i don't know.

i must be sleeping.

or insane.

i wanna send him 'she doesn't look like you. are you sure that's yours?'

or 'she's lovely. wish you happy new year.'

how many split characters have i developed?

it's not that i'm not willing to change my mind and move on.

it's...

hard to say.

I don't rely on external mental ecstasy. be it a man or a deity, or a relationship, or something physical (money, work, alcohol).

i choose a quiet place, reflect and repent.

it got worse yeah.

occasionally.

so what's my point?

hmmm.

wanted to trigger some tears while typing but they didn't stream down.

and i swear not log on for at least two months.

unless if there's a dire need to, such as in life threatening situations and other unforeseen circumstances.

compulsion, i know. with an exclusion term hopefully it sounds less sick.