a friend said, you never changed.
yea.
a bit maybe.

every time when catching some illness, i'm still quite pessimistic. planning after-life matters. i remember clearly, it happened in early 2004. the naive, weak, pale, lonely and heavily-loaded me fell sick. i sent a very pessimistic message to a boy, a former classmate, saying something like 'if i die, i wonder how the coffin will be sent back to hometown'. he was quite concerned, asked me out, treated a meal @KFC. Maybe he has forgotten, but I will remember it for life.
where was i? o.. i fell sick at the rate of once per year. rare. but whenever it strikes i was always mentally defeated on top of being physically defeated. Sometimes there were people @ my bedside. Most of the time there wasn't.
The rate of sickness has gone up significantly in just these two years. and that pessimism plus that tragedy, increased that feeling exponentially.

every time after I recover, will kinda turn over a new leaf. though if u turn the same leaf twice it will be the same (joke).

so, after 3 days in hell, I think I was a bit enlightened. I decided to throw away something totally.
i hope this time the determination comes real.