要不要小孩？

如果我有，一定让他/她快乐，不攀比，顺其自然。想长成参天大树，还是灌木丛，随他/她所愿。虽然，也许会造成长大后的后悔。大人的干涉，到底如何拿捏，不清楚。
如果我有，会从《诗经》里取个名，从《庄子》里取个字。字报户口，名留着给我叫。
如果我有，不会将布道者拒之门外。但是会对他/她说，孩子，所谓真理，不过是大人的呻吟。
如果我有，希望他/她是个外向的孩子。如果不是也无妨。内向不是罪过。不喜欢汹涌人潮是天性，无需刻意迎合这个外向的世界。多年后意识到这点的时候，有种泪流满面的冲动。
如果我有，希望他/她有个好爸爸。没有也无妨。我也可以把你扛在肩膀，撑起一个世界。母爱过于沉溺，不理智。

现在的我，不是妈妈的样子。也没有发现好爸爸人选。
小孩的模仿力很强。不想他模仿到悲伤。
再给我点时间。
我会变好的。

What a Feeling

First when there's nothing
But a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide
Deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried
Silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel
Made of stone
Well, I hear the music
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a holdOf my heart
What a feeling
Bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive
You can dance right through your life
Now I hear the music
Close my eyes, I am rhythm
In a flash it takes hold
Of my heart
What a feeling
Bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive,
Now I'm dancing through my life
What a feeling
What a feeling (I am music now)
Bein's believin' (I am rhythm now)
Pictures come alive,
You can dance right through your life
What a feeling (you can really have it al)
What a feeling (pictures come alive when I call)
I can have it

I don't know how many times will I be stumbled on this question.
Not only it killed me, it didn't make me stronger.
And how many times more will I learn my lesson.
'Are u going to take up citizenship?'

Initially a firm 'no'.
Now a 'not sure but have taken in consideration'.

Just a frank idiot, still.

Lying, is it the 1st lesson?

当爱已成往事

oh gosh. my mind is in a chaos again.
should refrain from reflections of life after 10pm.

it was just an interview. the first one.
followed by a talk of being a CAD design engineer, followed by a talk by MOE of being a teacher, followed by an fyp meeting, followed by a talk of a power company.

invoked my thoughts. and soon it went uncontrollably chaotic.

what i want in life.
i was too young to be sure then. i am too old to be uncertain now.
i keep those dreams, i always will. but i live in the reality. what Sheldon would tell Leonard: weltschmerz

destiny, please pick one for me.
whatever it is, if i am the one doing it, im gonna do it right.

阿门阿前一棵葡萄树
阿嫩阿嫩绿地刚发芽
我就背着那重重的壳呀
一步一步地往上爬

March

what is means to me:

my 1st round of application has already expired. no interview.

i know i tend to doubt whether i am good enough. then feel jealous about ppl who are worse than me but better off than me. like in 2006 ICA suddenly granted PR in mass, to secondary & primary school kids. I just graduated. Took me years to forgive myself, with the help of Karate in some extent.

this time i don't wanna feel that way. it's not my fault. it's 70% luck. i don't lose out that 30% either. it's their loss.

hang on please. if God closes those doors, it means he has planned something else. where i don't know.

what else it means to me:
i have done whatever i could for fyp. i started from "hello world" to program those things. no one appreciate though. i have learnt a lot but no one cares though. so, just wrap it up. in conclusion it is a good learning experience, contributed nothing to mankind (or my boss) though.

nid to pay rental again. the highest expense for me.

my facebook ban is auto lifted. i din't break my promise. although once under very unusual situation i sent a msg out of goodwill to a person.
when i re-log in, it feels good. i don't have to keep updated with ppl's bubble tea, chit-chat. do i?

and i start to feel lighter, without those handkerchieves.

in my dreams i was a 女侠, in recent years it became a 女侠cum怨妇, now 女侠 has returned, no longer a free soul though, in a journey of job hunting.

won't let this kill me..
the feeling of good-for-nothing.
like in early 2009.

i endured all these for 10+ years
just to see dawn light breaking through the darkness
hang on