i just wrote a diary in my macbook
using vim editor with encryption
haha

Always remember,
He saved u. U may forget how u were like before him. But don't try to get back to where u were and experience it again.

他是众多人的辛德勒，而不是你一个人的。
Life is a long journey. He can pull u out of the marsh. U have to steer ur life from then.
你是你心灵主人。不要让别人主宰你的快乐和悲伤。
你是你心灵的主人。为何不让自己快乐些？

First Time

To be exact this isn't the first time I resigned (if I count the insurance job in).

Since this is the first job after my degree, well, this is the first time I resigned.

My conscience is clear. I wont judge how good / how bad I've done. I had attitude. But I solved the problem. I could have just solve the problem without showing attitude, to please everybody and win the best-servant-award which is nothing but more demanding requests.
When you are nice, people walk all over you. That's the dilemma of a lonely SA who had to support noobs in the company, on top of fighting fire.
I didn't want to show attitude. It naturally reach a balance like this.
I was burnt down. Every bit of my passion was incinerated.

If there's any regret, it is those docs I wrote, those stuff I Googled and read and tested and documented, and taught the other SA who is supposed to do the same but has been following my instructions without making anything new. Even though I did these, people are still not satisfied. So, whatever I did, it was doomed to be wrong.

Anyway, I can't be a people-pleaser all the time. I have some level of self-esteem.

Remember the following in future,
- do not give when there's no return
- do not be a fool twice
- there's no need to fear. nothing to fear
- do not care about those who do not care about you / your feeling / your well-being / your career / your concern
- do not be nice to people unless if people are nice to you

If you wonder, how can you make people be nice when you are not nice? who need to be nice first?
Well, sounds like a chicken-and-egg problem.
But I figured out it is not.
Life is not a maths/logical problem.
You can tell the level of niceness of a person somehow. Probe with a small test and collect data for analysis. Then decide how nice you should be.
If someone is a jerk, your buckets of niceness wont change anything.

后发制人，先发者受制于人

會過去的(歌詞) 許志安 車婉婉

http://www.youtube.com/v/RrqV25GnbEM?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=_ZKLAMBcUnRZN8YcADEVAg&autohide=1

一切都会过去的

you will be fine

live long and prosper

Be grateful
Be cool
Be normal
He is an angel
with horns

2008，
someone played 我想有个家 in the project room.
And some cried.
I held it inside.

That year i met someone,
which took 5 years to get over.

I'm just a girl,
standing in front of a boy,
but not begging him to love me,
just pretending that there's nothing i need,
from anyone.

但是，
我想有个家

問之：何為佛？何為道？何為解脫？

佛云：四大皆空，來則來，去則去，來去隨緣。

We are unhappy married, and unmarried we are unhappy. We are unhappy when alone, and unhappy in society: we are like hedge-hogs clustering together for warmth, uncomfortable when too closely packed, and yet miserable when kept apart. It is all very funny...

                                                           --Schopenhauer

Life is evil because pain is its basic stimulus and reality, and pleasure is merely a negative cessation of pain. Aristotle was right: the wise man seeks not pleasure, but freedom from care and pain.

                                                           --Schopenhauer

Since love is a deception practiced by nature, marriage is the attrition of love, and must be disillusioning. Only a philosopher can be happy in marriage, and philosophers do not marry.

                                                           --Schopenhauer

Galatian 5
5:16 我说，你们当顺着圣灵而行，就不放纵肉体的情欲了。
5:17 因为情欲和圣灵相争，圣灵和情欲相争。这两个是彼此相敌，使你们不能作所愿意作的。
5:18 但你们若被圣灵引导，就不在律法以下。
5:19 情欲的事，都是显而易见的。就如奸淫，污秽，邪荡，
5:20 拜偶像，邪术，仇恨，争竞，忌恨，恼怒，结党，纷争，异端，
5:21 嫉妒，醉酒，荒宴等类，我从前告诉你们，现在又告诉你们，行这样事的人，必不能承受神的国。
5:22 圣灵所结的果子，就是仁爱，喜乐，和平，忍耐，恩慈，良善，信实，
5:23 温柔，节制。这样的事，没有律法禁止。
5:24 凡属基督耶稣的人，是已经把肉体，连肉体的邪情私欲，同钉在十字架上了。
5:25 我们若是靠圣灵得生，就当靠圣灵行事

I've been thinking, are you sent by Angels to help me, our are you sent by the demons to test me.
I don't have an answer.
I only have some 'code of conduct'.

昨天这个时候从恶梦中惊醒
梦见不但以后都见不到你，
而且。。。

这和现实又有多大分别呢？
何必自扰？

后来就陷入了深深的忧郁中，无法入眠
想着如果有来世，还是做个贝壳或者海参吧
各种混乱的想法和自我暗示
不断地推自己向更消极的边缘

如果选择不呼吸而死，又有谁知道？法医只会证明睡眠窒息吧。
几秒钟后，深深地吸了一口气
我在干吗？
难道被七月的消极鬼附体？
给我滚！

然后就不住回想好的事情
不住地用积极的语言麻醉自己
一旦习惯性地回到消极的自我对话
赶紧打住
最后终于又睡着了
第二个梦是平静的
因为不记得内容

我这是要精神分裂了吗

你把我搂在肩膀
轻轻对我说，我想你

我紧紧握住你的手
希望时光就此停止

I dreamt about u.
Long time no see.
所以，就当作见过面吧。
I hope i will again.

大海是很遼闊的，總有一天，妳會遇到願意保護你的夥伴

我只是大海里的一滴水
多我不多 少我不少
家国之事 天下大事放两旁
平日还是让自己好过些吧

Watch "民主會戰勝歸來MV" on YouTube

Watch "中國夢 - 羅文" on YouTube

第一次一个人旅行
有时 真的有点害怕
告诉自己要释然
车到山前必有路
可以更勇敢些
洒脱些

时东北沦陷，日本扶植溥仪建立满洲国。有些不甘做亡国奴的，跑到关内流浪。有些做了新政权的走狗。大多数人还是留下了，过着安全的生活。
留下的人中，有些坚决反日，或明或暗地斗争。有些拥护新政权，积极合作。大多数人还是顺应着时代，不支持也不反对，上着日语教学的学校，考着新政权下的公务员。
这大多数人，哪里都有。并不是因为中国人中庸而比较明显。
这点也符合高斯定理，十分科学。

未完待续

奇怪，我这种便秘性格，半天憋不出一句话，又不是世俗标准下的美女，你为什么要喜欢？
我自己都不喜欢。
我正尝试着跟这个世界正常地交流，尽量深沉些，不发火。多沟通这方面，是做不来的。

Coupons of love

It marks the end of the episode.
Now comes the time for "moral of the story", and confession.
I won't regret for anything. I could have stayed in this relationship for a year or so before ending it, to enjoy the benefit such as:
- having someone to care about and be cared about
- having someone to carry your bag, and other heavy stuff
- having someone by your side when feeling lonely
- be less fearful about uncertainties

What else? At another thought, these are things which can be settled by oneself. Also, if i were to stay and enjoy the moment, not only it hurts someone who wants to get married asap, it will also consume my 'coupons':

I believe God has given each of us a certain number of coupons, to redeem love from another person (other than your parents). If i spend it on the wrong person, i would have less coupons when i meet the right one. I don't have a definition for mr right or mr wrong, but i know when we were together, i become more uncertain and internally struggled than i were when being single which is what i couldn't stand. I'm willing to give up my freedom, my dreams, my dignity in a relationship, but not to someone which i am very sure there isn't any future between us.

I'm not sure how much coupons am i holding still. I haven't redeemed much from someone. Whether i have alot or not, let me keep the rest. If there isn't a soul mate in my lifetime, i bear the result willingly. Coz i still have faith, and hope.

还是不可以。就这样算了吧。
贪心，只会耗费配额。
即使这一生都不会遇到，也不想如此迁就。
跟林老师说，现在男人怎么都这么俗，没理想。要是有你的一半投契，必嫁。
虽然是完美主义者，并不是因为完美主义而决定的。
翻到了«圣经»里对love的定义，觉得自己也是俗人一个， being self seeking in a relationship.
可是失去了自己，活着还有什么意义？

一些反省

我深知，上天给我的配额终于到了。如果不珍惜，也许不会再有了。
"也许"，因为还在期望吗？
是放不下那个半真实的mr impossible,还是期待着本为虚幻的 soul mate？
真爱有如鬼魅，闻者众多，见者鲜矣。还在幻想着传闻中的真爱吗？

我就是这么一个人
不说话时有点闷
说话时又有点痞
你若欣赏不了这种幽默
请华丽地离开
不奢求取悦这个世界
只想在世事磕碰中
用一种另类的方法保护内心

Yet another year

At times I want to drink the night away and then fall in an unconsciousness state, or semi-conscious.
At times like this, for instance.