let me record down so that i wont think twice

why am i dropping MT4003:

- time: i cant wake up. 9am traffic jam. breakfast. healthy bowel movement. thursday 6 to 9pm lecture and no webcast.

- interest: i've downloaded everything from the workbin. interest should indicate self-study(which i don't think so. i would rather squeeze time to go trekking or play guitar). there's no need to take it as a module.

oso, NUS has killed my passion in some way, such as taking up challenging modules. NUS ppl usually avoid things they don't know well, and go for what they are already good at.

Succumbing to the NUS way.

and im fired up to fix a bug tonight. which shud have been done long ago.

loved this song since young. still rmb it was in the same tape with 'boom boom boom boom'. din't catch most of the lyrics. and din't know it's Indian

:)

i swore not to log on fb to check his account again.

but i still do, sometimes. like just now.

i swore not to add him back.

kept this one. but his photo setting is public.

why am i still doing this? i don't know. a habit? or to test for my tolerance for pain?

perhaps both.

and according to the latest response, either it inflicts pain no more, or I feel numb now.

or perhaps like two months ago, the response will be delayed:

numb, it's alright, numb, it's alright... and a few days later at one instance, the defense suddenly crumbled.

not a severe one though, just sent a few SMSs

my world 1st crumbled in front of a screen, on his fb page, over a photo.

now she is 2 years old. doesn't look like him (at all), except for complexion.

and i'm 2 years older. broken and intact. weak and strong. single, and single. spending days wondering if he misses me. if there's a chance to see each other again. if we meet how should i react and how will i actually react.

and he is 2 years older. doesn't like taking photographs still. doesn't smile at the camera (something that fascinates me). and the rest i don't know.

i must be sleeping.

or insane.

i wanna send him 'she doesn't look like you. are you sure that's yours?'

or 'she's lovely. wish you happy new year.'

how many split characters have i developed?

it's not that i'm not willing to change my mind and move on.

it's...

hard to say.

I don't rely on external mental ecstasy. be it a man or a deity, or a relationship, or something physical (money, work, alcohol).

i choose a quiet place, reflect and repent.

it got worse yeah.

occasionally.

so what's my point?

hmmm.

wanted to trigger some tears while typing but they didn't stream down.

and i swear not log on for at least two months.

unless if there's a dire need to, such as in life threatening situations and other unforeseen circumstances.

compulsion, i know. with an exclusion term hopefully it sounds less sick.